Monologue I wrote.. No title yet

Everyone has their own idea in their head of what their ideal significant other is. No one thinks "my perfect woman is overweight and crippled on her entire right side."

Sam told me that when I asked him if guys were uncomfortable with the thought of dating me.

He then said that he and most guys would never initiate a relationship because of my physical deformities but if I were to initiate than he would consider it.

My Ex agreed and said that if another girl would have shown interest in me when we were dating, he would have picked her.

The reason Joshia didn't date me last semester was partially because of not being over Lindsay, but mostly because he wasn't sure if he would learn to be comfortable with me physically. Great self-esteem booster there. The idea that Sara and Lindsay could possibly be getting engaged within the next two years along with all the weddings that are happening, I feel like I will be forever alone.

Last semester, I was eating dinner with a few friends and we were joking around having fun, when Thomas impersonated me and the way I walk.

I've been massively self-conscious ever since. Every time I walk past the career services offices I watch the way I move and feel like I look like some fat retarded person.

I despise the fact that the only guy to be comfortable with holding my right hand is my father and that's because he has too. I’m so self-conscious that in every picture I take I try to hide my right side with whoever is standing next to me, so that I can at least try to look normal on social media.

I have been on tinder recently attempting to boost my self-esteem, and typically the guys I talk to on tinder totally want to hook up with me, obviously that’s not the reason I am on there but I digress. Then I drop the bomb, ‘I’m a cripple!’ It’s my way of getting out of awkward conversations, because the minute I tell them they unmatched me. Some guy today didn't even believe me until I sent him a picture of me in shorts, so you can see my leg, then he unmatched me.

But aside from all of that, you know what the worst is? When all my girlfriends are like "you're beautiful and we love you" but if they were me for a day they’d pray to God that a lightning bolt would strike them down dead. And I hate when Lindsay or Lola complain that their boobs are too small, because then ‘maybe guys would like them more’, or when my sister complains that her hips are too big. You know what I think when they say that? I just sit and look at them shaking my head thinking "you fucking idiots have no idea how beautiful you are, if I could I would trade anything in the world to be able to hold a guy’s hand on either side of my body, or have the center of my body actually be where it should be, or not have to hear that god awful squeak every time I put weight down on my right leg,

I want to love myself, like I know I should, but it's so hard

My chest feels like the weight of the world is resting on top of it, but if I try to move it off it’s going to suffocate me, and I'm not talking metaphorically.

For all the Fairy Tale Lovers

Bound up in ancient leather, strung up with care
Held in delicate hands, willing to bare,
The unbelievable stories of old
Waiting for someone wanting to be told.

Stories of adventure and daring deeds
Of love; princesses who need to be freed
Lost boys, lost slippers, and true love's first kiss
Journeys to be taken that can't be missed.

Open up your heart, open up your mind
Listen to the tales, see what you will find
Imagination, Creativity
Where will it lead? We will just have to see.

So look into the book, tell me all the tales.
Take me away, on a ship I will sail.

Cyclone

**This is an older poem, but one of my favorites**

pitter patter on the roof
thee first rain of autumn
and in with the storm
i can feel the memories,
images of us happy
but it wasn't right

i was a graceful drizzle
wanting to dance,
and HE was my destructive hurricane

all i wanted was someone to love me,
someone to call me beautiful,
and HE did that didn't HE?
but i didn't see the tempest in the distance

things changed,
the water flooded in
and there was nothing i could do
but watch as everything was tattered and ruined
like the little girl who went out to far
and got lost in the darkness
struggling to reach for what ever air was left

i handed in my ideas of love
my fairy tales
for a monsoon of destruction and called it a fair trade.

Practical Joke

How could I have been so wrong

From the very beginning I knew; just friends

But the poetry, conversations, connection

Diluted the reality I was in

I knew what I felt

I thought you felt the same

I tried so hard to keep myself sane

To be realistic

But the voices around me told me otherwise

I fell into the trap they built 

Have been swallowed

Have been let down 

Again

Why do I keep up the act

Why do I pretend 

I'm not worthy of your affection 

I'm not enough to catch your eye

I had my first dream about you 

I thought that was a sign

It was just mockery 

Laughing at this pain of mine

Why do I believe the lies

Why do I fall again and again 

I should hide

My heart

My soul

Maybe then I wouldn't get hurt

April 9th

 A ring, A car, A needle
Without context seems meaningless
How wrong was I?

A symbol of love
Approved from up above
Without prediction, thereof
A promise

Useful in the means of travel
Until it smashes into the gravel
And the world seems to unravel
Into a heartbreak

A heightened sense of pain
Afraid? Yet I can't abstain
Blaming my brain
An outlet

These three can be caustic
The source of action and influencing
Pulling into the darkness

Me Too

You're hurting so badly
I see the pain in your eyes
I see you tense your arms and your neck
I want to help you but I don't know how

I keep telling you that everything will be okay
But I don't know if it will be

I came out of my darkness
It was a long hard process, but I did
Not everybody does
I pray you aren't like them
I pray that you overcome it

We all struggle with our demons
If you only knew that you weren't alone
You aren't the only one who hates themselves
If you only knew some of the things people have done
What I've done

I want to tell you
I'm afraid you'll judge me
Hate me

I see your suffering

Dear God, please help him

To a Loved Friend Who Left Us too Soon

You shouldn't have gone that way
You deserved so much more
A long life full of experiences and  memories

I'm still in shock.
You aren't dead, you can't be
I wish that I could have said goodbye one more time
Told you how important you were, how special

I've cried a lot
I've wanted to make rash decisions to take away the pain.
If it wasn't for my friends I would have

I had a panic attack last night
My heart was racing
My leg shaking
My head throbbing
I could feel my pulse racing and my body temperature rise
I knew I was going to explode, but I didn't want to lash out,
I didn't want to hurt my friends the way I had hurt people before

I had to release it somehow
Had to get rid of the pain.
I wanted to hurt the way you did
I almost cut myself.
I wanted to numb the pain, I wanted to get high
Do something stupid in memory of you.

I hate that we are all spread out across the nation
I wish we could all be together
Mourning together
No one here knew you
I have no one to share memories with
No one to grieve with

I wish this world still had you
You had so much potential
You deserved so much more.

Passing Train

Today has been unending
One day feeling like a week, a year
The moments melt into each other creating a whirl wind of emotions and memories
I can't distinguish between my inner thoughts and reality

Blurred faces.
Inaudible sounds.

I do remember you
I can still see that smile
Your blue eyes making faces at me from above the brim of your hat.

I can't read you.
It's frustrating.

Jewelry and Judgement

I lied to you

I said I didn't love you anymore

I truly thought I didn't

I made a rash decision and convinced myself that meant I was over you.

I was wrong

I saw the necklace you gave me yesterday 

It was on pintrest 

I started to cry

I wanted the necklace back

I wanted you back 

Instead I closed my computer and pushed the feelings away

It worked

Until this morning 

Our song came on while I was in the shower

All of my favorite songs remind me of you

I dialed you number

Let it ring once

Hung up

I can't let you know what I'm thinking 

You'd laugh at how needy I am

Don't call me back because then I'll have to tell you

Wet Pavement

It is in the darkness that I feel it, 

In the late hours of the night when the only person awake to hear my cries is my own conscious.

She doesn't help.

She takes all of my insecurities and heightens their intensity, making the pain unbearable.

I walked by a couple making out in the fitness center on my way back to my room tonight.

I almost stopped to watch. 

There is this intense desire to be loved gnawing at my inner being.

A hole in my heart that I want someone to fill.

It seems like everyone has their happily ever after, and I'm stuck waiting.

Waiting for something I don't even know exists. 

Am I not worthy enough to fall in love? 

Is something wrong with me?

I wonder sometimes if it's the people I interact with.

If I hung out with the sororities would I find love?

The athletic kids?

The theater geeks?

I know it isn't true, but there is always this feeling in the back of my mind...

Is it my disability that keeps people away?

Are they scared of me?

Do I deserve love?