To a Loved Friend Who Left Us too Soon

You shouldn't have gone that way
You deserved so much more
A long life full of experiences and  memories

I'm still in shock.
You aren't dead, you can't be
I wish that I could have said goodbye one more time
Told you how important you were, how special

I've cried a lot
I've wanted to make rash decisions to take away the pain.
If it wasn't for my friends I would have

I had a panic attack last night
My heart was racing
My leg shaking
My head throbbing
I could feel my pulse racing and my body temperature rise
I knew I was going to explode, but I didn't want to lash out,
I didn't want to hurt my friends the way I had hurt people before

I had to release it somehow
Had to get rid of the pain.
I wanted to hurt the way you did
I almost cut myself.
I wanted to numb the pain, I wanted to get high
Do something stupid in memory of you.

I hate that we are all spread out across the nation
I wish we could all be together
Mourning together
No one here knew you
I have no one to share memories with
No one to grieve with

I wish this world still had you
You had so much potential
You deserved so much more.