To a Loved Friend Who Left Us too Soon

You shouldn't have gone that way
You deserved so much more
A long life full of experiences and  memories

I'm still in shock.
You aren't dead, you can't be
I wish that I could have said goodbye one more time
Told you how important you were, how special

I've cried a lot
I've wanted to make rash decisions to take away the pain.
If it wasn't for my friends I would have

I had a panic attack last night
My heart was racing
My leg shaking
My head throbbing
I could feel my pulse racing and my body temperature rise
I knew I was going to explode, but I didn't want to lash out,
I didn't want to hurt my friends the way I had hurt people before

I had to release it somehow
Had to get rid of the pain.
I wanted to hurt the way you did
I almost cut myself.
I wanted to numb the pain, I wanted to get high
Do something stupid in memory of you.

I hate that we are all spread out across the nation
I wish we could all be together
Mourning together
No one here knew you
I have no one to share memories with
No one to grieve with

I wish this world still had you
You had so much potential
You deserved so much more.

Passing Train

Today has been unending
One day feeling like a week, a year
The moments melt into each other creating a whirl wind of emotions and memories
I can't distinguish between my inner thoughts and reality

Blurred faces.
Inaudible sounds.

I do remember you
I can still see that smile
Your blue eyes making faces at me from above the brim of your hat.

I can't read you.
It's frustrating.

Jewelry and Judgement

I lied to you

I said I didn't love you anymore

I truly thought I didn't

I made a rash decision and convinced myself that meant I was over you.

I was wrong

I saw the necklace you gave me yesterday 

It was on pintrest 

I started to cry

I wanted the necklace back

I wanted you back 

Instead I closed my computer and pushed the feelings away

It worked

Until this morning 

Our song came on while I was in the shower

All of my favorite songs remind me of you

I dialed you number

Let it ring once

Hung up

I can't let you know what I'm thinking 

You'd laugh at how needy I am

Don't call me back because then I'll have to tell you

Wet Pavement

It is in the darkness that I feel it, 

In the late hours of the night when the only person awake to hear my cries is my own conscious.

She doesn't help.

She takes all of my insecurities and heightens their intensity, making the pain unbearable.

I walked by a couple making out in the fitness center on my way back to my room tonight.

I almost stopped to watch. 

There is this intense desire to be loved gnawing at my inner being.

A hole in my heart that I want someone to fill.

It seems like everyone has their happily ever after, and I'm stuck waiting.

Waiting for something I don't even know exists. 

Am I not worthy enough to fall in love? 

Is something wrong with me?

I wonder sometimes if it's the people I interact with.

If I hung out with the sororities would I find love?

The athletic kids?

The theater geeks?

I know it isn't true, but there is always this feeling in the back of my mind...

Is it my disability that keeps people away?

Are they scared of me?

Do I deserve love?