Monologue I wrote.. No title yet

Everyone has their own idea in their head of what their ideal significant other is. No one thinks "my perfect woman is overweight and crippled on her entire right side."

Sam told me that when I asked him if guys were uncomfortable with the thought of dating me.

He then said that he and most guys would never initiate a relationship because of my physical deformities but if I were to initiate than he would consider it.

My Ex agreed and said that if another girl would have shown interest in me when we were dating, he would have picked her.

The reason Joshia didn't date me last semester was partially because of not being over Lindsay, but mostly because he wasn't sure if he would learn to be comfortable with me physically. Great self-esteem booster there. The idea that Sara and Lindsay could possibly be getting engaged within the next two years along with all the weddings that are happening, I feel like I will be forever alone.

Last semester, I was eating dinner with a few friends and we were joking around having fun, when Thomas impersonated me and the way I walk.

I've been massively self-conscious ever since. Every time I walk past the career services offices I watch the way I move and feel like I look like some fat retarded person.

I despise the fact that the only guy to be comfortable with holding my right hand is my father and that's because he has too. I’m so self-conscious that in every picture I take I try to hide my right side with whoever is standing next to me, so that I can at least try to look normal on social media.

I have been on tinder recently attempting to boost my self-esteem, and typically the guys I talk to on tinder totally want to hook up with me, obviously that’s not the reason I am on there but I digress. Then I drop the bomb, ‘I’m a cripple!’ It’s my way of getting out of awkward conversations, because the minute I tell them they unmatched me. Some guy today didn't even believe me until I sent him a picture of me in shorts, so you can see my leg, then he unmatched me.

But aside from all of that, you know what the worst is? When all my girlfriends are like "you're beautiful and we love you" but if they were me for a day they’d pray to God that a lightning bolt would strike them down dead. And I hate when Lindsay or Lola complain that their boobs are too small, because then ‘maybe guys would like them more’, or when my sister complains that her hips are too big. You know what I think when they say that? I just sit and look at them shaking my head thinking "you fucking idiots have no idea how beautiful you are, if I could I would trade anything in the world to be able to hold a guy’s hand on either side of my body, or have the center of my body actually be where it should be, or not have to hear that god awful squeak every time I put weight down on my right leg,

I want to love myself, like I know I should, but it's so hard

My chest feels like the weight of the world is resting on top of it, but if I try to move it off it’s going to suffocate me, and I'm not talking metaphorically.